Mideval Banquet: a faretheewell (a)

We enter the mansion. There are thick wooden tables sprawled out  from each side with an aisle in  the middle. The walls are adorned with several severed thoroughly taxidermied Boar and Stag heads. There are Knights. It seems like everyone is wearing tights.There is a Jester. The sound of what is either a 4/4 baroque fugue or a Dungeons & Dragons funeral dirge pipes off in the distance. I swear I hear a harpsichord even though no harpsichord is visible in the room.  Spencer seems to be more affable making miming motions that he is ready to joust. The overhead lights are dim, part of a chandelier that looks like a wheel culled from a pioneer wagon.

All of the tables have candles.

 It doesn’t take long for Jim Baker to swivel around commenting that this is some serious gay shit, dude.

Everyone is seated at tables like they are posing for the last supper a la Da Vinci style.

I look around.  Her bus has already arrived.

Harmony is seated near the front of the room.

 As the Big Ten walks in they take a left. The entrance is flanked by what look like Beefeaters.  I head towards Harmony’s table. Baker asks me where the fuck do I think I am going.

“ I'm gonna go sit with Harmony, man. It’s the last night.”

“Like hell you are sitting with Harmony. This is the last night bro. This is the Big Ten. This is our fraternity. This is it.”

It seems weird that Jim is showcasing zeal. It seems odd that Jim, who has patronized me into  psychological skittles this entire trip wants to hangout the last dinner of the trip.

I have long since garnered approval from Trevor and Sir Charles  to feast with Harmony at every meal.  

"Sorry man," Both Justin and Chris moan as if they are in an antacid commercial. Jim keeps on going.

"Like hell bro. The Big Ten is always just more than the Big Ten, The Big Ten is our frat, or, where you come from, a gang. We are one, we are the Big Ten man."

I turn back around and say sorry.

“Look, even Spencer is sitting with us. He’s not abandoning us for Daisy."

I tell Baker that that is because Spencer and Daisy are again engaged in one of their hourly tiffs. I tell Baker that everyone involved in the  the whole Daisy Train shenanigans-shit were almost responsible for PARADE filing whatever passes as a missing person/runaway suit. That her parents would then almost ineluctably sue PARADE. That there would probably be some international hostage crisis that would notably arrive out of this with Sixty Minutes even covering a segment. That there would be an article about autonomy and youth in the New York Times Sunday magazine. That the trip would subsequently be canceled as parents' would not approve of their progeny traveling overseas in such a program where their offsprings invariably disappear into a seedy mist of european underground prostitution.

That Trevor and Sir Charles would miss out on graduation in a could of weeks.

That Liz Madigan was about ready to claw my ass with patriotic pincers and according to her I was being considered with what my narcissistic left-out mind can only fathom would be a one-on-one interview with Lynn Minton on the emotional tumult facing adolescence today.

 That the integrity and continuity of the Young Columbus program as a whole was almost permanently marred.

That the trip would be no more.

"I'm sitting with Harmony." I tell Jim.

Baker says come on bro. He  iterates again that this is the last night.

I look back.


                                   


I tell Baker I am not his Bro.

               

                                                                  

Great Fosters

The inside of bus #1 reeks of disinfectant and cheap cologne.  The Big Ten are still ogling Daisy.  It has a feeling like we being chartered. a bus to a campus football game. It seems like every 100 meters a random member of the Big Ten yelps out last night in London Big Ten give it up.

All But Spencer who,  for the first time this trip on the bus Spencer is seated by himself near the front of the bus..

Sir Charles has even inquired if Spencer is okay and all he did was shrug.

Baker again makes the comment that the reason Spencer is pensive is because Hair emotionally sodomized in the Salvatore.

The tall lanky bloke with the Altar-boy haircut just can't stop laughing at everything Baker says. 

The bus purrs into the peach light of early night. 


There is no sight of Vivian. 

Future Rabbi Dan takes the microphone at teh front of the bus..

"Sorry to say but Vivian won't be able to make it for our final night here in London. She had to go out of town for a family emergency but she pledged to send all of  her love and promises to see you each tomorrow morning at the hotel."

I am shocked. I look back into the direction of Daisy, still be salivated over by 3/4th of the Big Ten, excluding Spencer and myself.

Future Rabbi Dan says that he'll be taking over making a few announcements in the front of the Bus. I can't stand Future Rabbi Dan. I can't stand how he always scowls at every member of the Big Ten accept Eagle Scout Josh who looks like they might have some sort of a nephew-uncle bond. I can't stand the way he always chides my running when we run throughout the streets of London. The bus is raucous.  We are skiing through London. We are headed back into the direction of Heathrow, back to the airport, the final port where in twelve hours time we will leave to return to whatever home we left.

Dan is looking at his notecards. He says that he likes how many of us got dressed up and took this last night seriously since it is a sad time but also a happy time without elaborating. 


I am looking over the Thames. Several of the buses follow each other in tandem.

Dan talks about the 15th century mansion where our final gala and goodbye is to be held.  He mentions it being a British estate for Earls and Dukes. My thoughts revert back to Vivian. How Liz Madigan asked to see Vivian one-on-one after Vivian took the rap for us. 

I wonder if Liz knows that I snuck out into the streets of London to find Daisy. I wonder if Liz knows that  Vivian stood up for us so that we shouldn't get in trouble.

I wonder if Vivian is being reprimanded and docked pay exiled from attending the final event.

I wonder if myself and Daisy are solely to blame.

Future Rabbi Dan continues gesticulating into the microphone about Great Fosters beings a 16^th century estate. He talking about the Medieval facility being germane to what you call in the states as an insane asylum for a short period of time.

He is stuttering through flash cards. We are not all that far from Windsor.

Somewhere in the back there is Daisy.  Spencer is still chewing on the side of a straw looking at his reflection in the side window.

I am convinced that family emergency is that she got in trouble for covering us .

It is our last night in England.

There is no Vivian.

All of this is about to begin.

Lobby, prior to Medieval Banquet...

                                           

It is the lobby. Streams of crimson jackets are sprinting past. Trevor is holding up his hand in future Little League fashion. I am hoping maybe to see Rita. Still there is no Harmony. Near the door I see Our Wendy. She is wearing a red dress. It is not as grandiose as the prom dress she somehow managed to configure into origami triangles when she packed her suitcase back in the states.

I look around.

There is no Rita.

There is no Harmony.

Everyone is dressed to kill.

The Counselors are even all G’d up. It is a Medieval banquet but in a lot of ways it feels like we are going to church in the middle of the week for a Lenten service. 

I am still disconcerted and somewhat loss for equilibrium from my elevator altercations with Spencer. It is pretty clear that I am the only one not wear tie. Near the elevator I see Nat, whom I told off last night in front of his girlfriend before the skit wearing a suit, perhaps the same suit her wore when he won the contest three month earlier. .I wonder how Nat was able to so precisely pack a suit so that it didn’t crease in his luggage.  I wonder if he somehow purchased a travel iron.  Heath is wearing a tie and a sweater. As is Denis and Matt. Even Longhorn and Dimas are dressed up. albeit a tad bleary eyed.

 Everyone is dressed up. I am in jeans and the teal sweater.  

Even eagle Scout Josh is wearing his tie.

I want to ask him when he plans on giving his girlfriend the ring he bought her with his Grandfather's credit card at Harrod's earlier this afternoon.

It is the last night and we are leaving.

It is the last night and we are saying goodbye to this wink of a wished-for dream.

Outside a light rain tickles the porte cochere. Kevin, whose brother has won this contest every other year due to some sort of corporate nepotism notes that it seems to rain every other second in this country.

 I see mostly older kids. Apparently buses #2 and 3 has already left.

Choctawhatchee Heather is attired in a modest yet-somehow alluring dress that brings out the Amy Grant in her eyes. She waves at me and I pretend I don't see her. Elbert, one of only two black males who are Young Columbusians on this trip wearing a no tie button up shirt with a visible necklace. I see Elias Das and a girl named April who rumor has it is also Harvard bound. I have my camera although I am perilously low on film.Greta and her perfect smile is wearing the same cool boots she wore on our dinner/dance cruise on the Thames. Sheila, Rose and Tamera are wearing jeans, Tamera clad in her ubiquitous trench coat as if she is storing a gun.


I enjoy our intellectual rendezvous. I want to ask Tamera if she is currently mulling over the deeper modalities of Dendrites or Metaphysical mitochondria.  As I walk in her direction.I see the polite Baptist boy from Alabama. He is wearing a tie and his hair is gelled. He is by himself, next to the statue of the golden stag.

“So how was your meeting the afternoon with the British teens. You gonna be in Parade?”

The polite Baptist boy looks down and smiles. He said that they really have a lot of cultural differences but that it sure was a learning experience.”

Yeah, none of our group got to go. St. Pauls was pretty cool though.

He nods. The polite Baptist Boy said that he felt kind of out of place since the discussions they were having were pretty liberal.

“You know, we talked about birth control and contraceptives and abortion—things we just don’t mention in public to a room full of strangers at a town hall meaning in Mobile. Alabama.”

I laugh. I tell him that I’m sure he doesn’t. 

“Hey man, listen, I feel I owe you an apology the other morning at breakfast when we got into the argument about the Branch Davidians and gay rights and all that stuff. I didn’t mean to belittle your beliefs. It was really sophomoric of me. ”

The polite Boy from Alabama smiles and looks down. He says that’s 'kay.

"No, you were defending something you feel really passionate about and I was just trying to argue for the sake of debate. I apologize man. It wasn't cool."

Again he tells me that that's fine. I jut out an apologetic kay. I looks around the room. Half the buses have apparently already left including Harmony's and Rita' It is pretty much just Bus #1 and Bus #4. 

I need to somehow surreptitiously find Vivian.

I need to thank her for this afternoon. The Big Ten have all but swarmed to one side of the lobby. I want nothing to do with them.

All I want is to find Mark who is still nowhere to be seen. The lobby is beginning to implode. As I walk into the direction of the concierge desk. Perhaps I should go upstairs and put on my father's tie, 

 There is a tug on my shoulder. 

It is Daisy.

She is dressed to kill.

“Hey,” Her hair is combed differently. Already several members of the Big Ten have responded to Daisy’s outfit with a colloquial damn look at Daisy.

She is dressed to kill.


She is giddy. She is jumping up and down with her knees welded togeter as if she needs to pee.

"Can you believe? Can you believe that Vivian freaking took the rap for us?"

I nod. I look frond the room. I don't want to be having a conversation about how we got away with something with Liz Madigan in the room. There us also no sign of Vivian. I need to thank her. I need to thank her for going out of her way for us and 

Spencer is by himself standing awkwardly near the stag. For the first time in the trip he is not jouncing in his usual caffeniated kernal self.

For the first time this trip.

I look around again for Harmony,  Several buses have already left. 

"Hey, I just wanted to know. Did you talk with Spencer.

"I talked with both of them Actually I pummeled the shite out of Jim Baker. I then actually got into it with my roommate for never standing up. Hopefully the Daisy Train is now officially derailed.

"And Spencer,"

Again I look at Spencer. He has his hands in his pocket. For some inexplicable reason he is sucking on a straw. 

"Yeah, I spoke with him in the elevator. I told him how you feel and I told him to knock it off with the taunts."

I look over at the gilded Stag. Spencer is still chewing on the side of the staw as if it were cud and he bore udders. 

Thee is still no sight of Vivian.

"Hey, did you ever get your suitcase back?"

Daisy seems confused. She asks what?

"You know. I was wondering about your suitcase. Vivian walked off with it. I was wondering how if she ever got it back to you?"

"It is almost and obvious question since she obviously went  upstairs and changed. 

"Oh," Daisy says. "There was a knock on my door and when I went to answer the door the suitcase was there but no Vivian was in sight."

 Behind I hear Simone telling everyone in her group to stand close because it is time to go.

I mean to tell Daisy that I again have the makeshift saffron hijab in my room only I forgot.  


Listen, we need to thank Vivian. I mean, she took the rap for us. We literally both could have gotten busted and missed the remainder of whatever trip is left. 

There is a standard shoulder fist pummel. I turn around. It is my mentor. It is Mark is wearing a really cool sweater that looks like a cubist stature outside of the Centre Pompideau in Paris.

"Attaboy no tie man, Attaboy!!"

Denis is next to him. He is still wearing his cool Doc Martens.

I am next to Mark. 

I am next to my brother.

I want to tell him all about my day.  I want to tell him about getting into the verbal tiff with Jennifer Flood and  then hashing it out with my roommate before deciding to emulate the coolest personal I have ever met by jettisoning the electric security blanket of the Gloucester and taking teh tube down to Sloane Square, purchasing an identical pair of shoes. I want to tell him all about Rita in her lavishing dress and how it always seems like every time we have two seconds 

I want to give him a hug, In that moment I want t have a one-on-one and thank him. I want to thank Mark for always spending time with me. 

I want to thank him for always accepting me and making me feel so important. 


I want to give him, and his Centre Pompideau sweater, a hug.

I want to tell him all of this when I hear a voice. 

From somewhere above I hear Trevor's voice.  

There is referring to my name as Hair. There is Big Ten give it up. Spin Doctor Kenny is nudging Spencer saying Damn look at Daisy, man.  I am wildly looking around for Harmony.  I have not seen her since we left the Skit night together almost 24 hours ago. I want to ask her about the interview with Lynn Minton. 

This is it. 

We are leaving out into the breath of night. We are leaving our port one final time.

As I am stepping out into the direction of the bus I see Rita dressed to kill in the dress she was wearing earlier in the day. She is surrounded by three guys.

I have not seen Harmony since last night at dinner. Again I wonder why it felt like she was intentionally blowing me off when I rang her room in the afternoon. 

I make a motion to Mark telling him that I will see him at the banquet.

It is Big Ten time to do this,

                                               



It is Big Ten time to say goodbye.

Spencer

I am being like Mark. I am refusing to wear a tie. I place on my teal sweater. I wear the same jeans I have worn all day.

Justin sniffs and says, what did you take up smoking when you learned how to lie to adults and escape into the city.Justin blathers again about sorry that he used up all my hairspray but that there wasn't much left to begin with. He places on beige Khakis. It is the last night The hallway is emanating with the oak coughing sounds of doors opening and closing. The ice machine down the hall rumples. As we exit our hotel room the Big Ten as a whole is walking together.  I close the door leaving my standard pocket-sized Gideon bible on my bed where  Justin felt compelled to plant it on the same vessel of fluff in which I dream.

The Big Ten is all together. 7/10ths of the Big Ten are wearing Brut aftershave.  Even Baker and Kevin look like they have thorough brylcreamed their hair.

Chris is next to Kevin. Banky the mime is quiet and still lugging at the back of the group

"Obviously Harry didn't get the memo that this is a classy affair." Spin Doctor Kenny says.

I have worn a tie every time we were instructed. I wore a time to the butterfly farm an to meet with the dignitaries at Stratford. I wore a tie to meet with the American Ambassador. The only tie I brought on the trip is one of my fathers. It is already pre-tied because I don't know the first thing about tying ties.

I address the group as a whole informing them that they look like a bunch of bowling pins. Jim Baker points and said that you should have seen it, Harry was so envious that I was making money off of serialized British twat that he literally was humping my leg like a God Damn fire hydrant on the elevator.

I want to pummel Jim again.

Instead I look down. I am heading to the lobby where I will see Harmony for the first time in almost 24 hours.

I place my glasses in my side pocket.

Jim tells me to put my goddamn glasses back on, he doesn't want me side-humping his meat again.

We take a left and head or the elevator. Spencer points and plagiarizes a line from  Wayne's World telling everyone to walk this way before he begins to walk with a noticeable side limp. One of the Big Tenners said that they heard that apparently all the girls  are getting all G'd up tonight. Anotehr one talks about they can't wait to see what Daisy is wearing.

I am the only member of the Big Ten not wearing a tie. Even Alasaka Bryan is wearing a tie with a denim t-shirt.

The elevator blings into consciousness. 

All ten of us file in the elevator. Again Baker won't let go that  this was the same elevator where I attacked him only 45 minutes earlier.

The elevator re-opens on the second floor. It is already packed. Two of the Italian girls have their hair done and are waiting to get on only there is no room. When the door shushes close the Big Ten erupts. I is holy shit. It is damn oh damn Jill is just so hot.  The elevator is mirrored on all sides and even overhead. Every direction I am a part of this amoebic mass.

Every direction I am part of the Big Ten.


We reach the lobby. The Big Ten is scurrying into the lobby as if the lift were a locker room prior to a homecoming football game. There is a certain sense of this is it attitude permeating the ranks of our adolescent cadre. Baker is the first to get out. I am next to Spencer in back. I think about a promise I made to a friend earlier in the day.

There is more laughter. I can see Trevor outside the elevator beginning to count heads. We are the last two on the elevator and just as he is ready to step out I pull Spencer back. 

I press the button to number three. 

We are ascending.

Spencer is like what is going on. He is calling me Hair. Outside of my roommate Justin I don’t think any of the Big Ten know my name.

"Listen, bro. You got to be more benevolent towards Daisy."

Spencer is smiling. He makes the sound of a conductor. He says all aboard the Daisy Train. I tell him to cut that shit out. 

“I was downstairs today and she was like literally running away. She had her suitcase packed and everything. She was going to live a life in London prostituting herself or whatever because the BIG TEN as a whole has made her trip to Europe feel like shit the entire time."

Spencer is looking at me again.

“Look bro. She is in love with you. She loves your picaresque mannerisms and zany witticisms. She really loves you.  She really likes you.”

I tell Spencer God knows why I tell him that he is pretty much just a pain in the Open Jewels Nads.

The elevator opens on the third floor.. Harmony's floor. I am expecting Young Columbusians to enter the elevator in troves but instead it is empty with the exception of several Oriental businessmen with very thick glasses I saw earlier int he afternoon in the lobby.

As I the elevator goes to close I push it open. We are standing half on the lift and half on the third floor.

Spencer asks me that this is why I feel compelled to abduct him.

“I’m not abducting you. I’m telling you like it is. You need to Be kind. You need to be Polite. If the Big Ten start pulling that Daisy Train shit you have the power to quash them from making Daisy feel like shit

We step back into the lift. I press the L for Lobby.

Spencer is looking off. He asks me why I spoke with him.

“Because she asked me. Because I followed her when she was leaving the hotel. Because she availed to me all these emotions mainly centered around you."

I tell Spencer now is the time to grow up.

I then walk up to him and begin to fix his tie.

"Sorry, it got crooked in the scuffle."

The elevator door blings open.

Jim Baker is waiting for us.

“Harry man, you guys go upstairs to like fuck?”

I walk out. The Big Ten is in stitches. Eustace Blague-Barker is rattling his torso. I am in the lobby. I have not heard from Harmony all day.

I shoot a glance back to Spencer. I tell him just to remember what I am saying.

I look around the lobby.

I wish I was accepted.

I wish that I would have worn my father's tie.

Justin

When I get back to the hotel room Justin stops me the moment I enter the door.

“She called.”

At first I am thinking it is Daisy in need of more solace. Then my thoughts immediately revert to Rita.

“Who called?”

Justin is beginning to sounds Iowan granfatheresque again. He says who do you think?

The room smells like my hairspray.  Justin is wearing a tie. He is wearing a dressed shirt and no pants. He still seems enraptured with the Waco tragedy perennially playing on BBC like a round.  

“Your girl. Harmony. Ebony or Ivory or whatever her name is. The one you got upset over and slammed the door and felt the need to leave.  She called fifteen minutes ago.”

Justin says, as if he is reciting the Boy scout Oath of honesty. I head for the phone 

"Well where did you go?" Justin Stammers, holding his finger in the British version of Aqua Net like a gun as it farts out ozone-butchering fumes.

I tell my roommate it is none of his goddamn business. He tells me that I don't need to curse Gosh durn it. I tell him sorry. I tell him it is none of his God fucking business."

"Leave God out of it."

Without thinking I go for his neck. I push him against the wall. Instead of saying what the Hell my devotion-doting Midwestern you-ever-cry-when-old yeller-died roommate says something about a Hill.

"If you want to fucking know I just kicked Jim's Baker's ass and before that I just saved the life of a thirteen year. And quite candidly your insouciance towards all things human is really starting to fuck with me. 

Justin shrugs. He says what do you mean inn-sous-chance. I get up and walk again to the phone.

" Your indifference. Your apathetic.Your problem is that you are a motherufucking follower. I mean, Jim is pretty much making money selling hardcore porn to 12 years olds. Daisy is about ready to Jump off of London bridge because everyone in the BIG TEN taunts her and all you and Chris do is sit behind and laugh and agree with everything Baker and Spencer says as if Baker was the second coming of Jesus Christ or, in Spencer's case, Goddamn Joseph Smith."

Justin says he told me again to leave God and Jesus his own personal savior out of it.

He says Gosh durn it.

I am cursing I don't care.

"Hell, your fucking whole state of Nebraska man is prosaic. There was a girl outside who seriously just couldn't take it any more. Time and time again you and Chris and even Bryan Alaska and even, god-knows mute Banky could have stepped off the Daisy train and put Baker and Spencer in their place but instead you like the view from the side car.  This whole trip has been one elongated misery for Daisy and your inability to stand up and just say enough is enough is truncating your manhood--"

Justin shrugs.

"Just stand up and have a voice for something you know is right in your life for once."

There is a knock on the door. I am telling Justin off. In a way I wish Justin and I could be closer. In a way I wish we would have what I always yearned for with Nat Pflederer. 

When I open it up it is Sir Charles and Trevor

"Hair man you okay?"

I say yeah. I say why.

"Well I mean, people were saying that Daisy ran off and ran away and that you either went or chased after her."


For a second I am going to be a hero. For a second I want to be known as the avatar who saved the trip. 

"Everyone was really concerned. Even Liz Madigan held an impromptu emergency meting because Daisy's roommate found some sort of ambiguous half-scribbled note and the no-one could locate Daisy and everyone was on high alert and concerned,"

I brush my arm in front of my face as if commenting on personal body odor.

Again for a second I want to be a hero. Again for a second I want to be the one who saved tbhe 1993 Young Columbus trip from toppling into the peril of infamy.

Instead I tell him no. We just had to run an errand for Vivian.

Justin is behind me rubbing his Adam's apple.

"It was all a misunderstanding. I mean, we went outside to retrieve a suitcase from Vivian. I spoke with both Vivian and Liz. Daisy was with me the entire time. It's all good."

Sir Charles nods. There is a look on his face that he is still gravely concerned. Trevor looks like he has been sweating. 

I want to tell them again all about Jim Baker and his shenanigans but in this juncture of the trip I fear it would not do any good.

I think about Vivian coming up and taking the chaff for us. 

I wonder if Daisy was ever able to retrieve her over-surfeited suitcase.

"It's all good. Like I said, I already spoke with Liz Madigan. Both myself and Daisy have. We were just doing Vivian a favor."

Trevor's shoulders look like they are visibly deflating as he exhales. SIr Charles is smiling.

"You know Hair, just as long as you are alright, man."

"Yeah, nothing to be alarmed about. I don't know where the rumor of her running away stems from."

Trevor says okay.  Sir Charles slaps the side of my left shoulder with his right open palm.

Justin is still not wearing any pants.

"Alright guys. Meet in the lobby in five minutes. One more night. One more night and everything is over.

I close the door.. I head back to the room. Justin is still graffiting his skull with my over-priced hairspray.

"You lied."

I tell Justin to put some pants on,

"You lied to Trevor and Charles about running after Daisy."

 I tell Justin yeah, I lied. Justin tells me that lying is a sin. He says that the wages of sin is death.

I look on my pillow. He placed the Gideon bible I hurled at the wall during out last conversation like a flower on a tomb. 

I'm through with Justin. I reach for the phone. The Hairspray nozzle emanated a gaseous squirt.

"You don't have to call her back. She left a message."

I almost say who and then I realize he is talking about Harmony.
"Yes, what did she say?"

"She said that she was sorry that she missed you today but that she was hungup with that Lynn Minton interview crap that you seem so pissed off about all the time."

I nod. 

"She also said that she will see you at the Banquet thing tonight."

I nod again.

"Oh, and she apologized. She wanted me to apologize to you for her roommate. She said that her roommate was just messing around and didn't mean anything by her affronts that you can't take a joke, which I assured her that half-the-time you can't."

I nod again. 

Harmony didn't forget about me. 

She hasn't forgotten about me at all.

Just attacks the knot in the middle of his tie again.

He says that frankly he doesn't know what he sees in that girl.

He then tells me that we need to meet in the group in the lobby I nod.

"Oh, and you are out of hairspray."

Justin says rattling the empty cylinder in my direction as if panhandling for loose change.

He tells me that he sorry but says that I kind of owe him.