Dude, phone sex

 

Patrick will call me again that night.

 

“Dude man, I spoke with Amiee for 12 hours last night. I got home from my Aunt Cheryl’s around 9 and she called and we were on the phone until 5 in the morning.”

I tell Patrick congratulations.

“Not only that dude, we had sex.”

“What?”

I inquire if he went over to her house.

 

“No man. Better, We phoned fucked for three hours.”


"......"

She kept telling me where to put my hand and making up scenarios. She was an airline stewardess who was also a Mormon and we were flying over the grand canyon and she needed help closing the bathroom door…”

“Okay I get it..”

“Then we were astronauts in out of space and the oxygen was dripping away in the shuttle and we only had seconds to live and we decided to slough the armor of our respective space suits and..” 

“Pat bro I get your gist!!!”

He is laughing. He is referring to Aimee as his soul mate. He is referring to her as the bomb.

“I mean, but you have never officially met her, How did you guys have sex?”

“Dude, we stroked ourselves.” 

I have no clue what he is talking about. Somehow I picture Patrick with Amy paddling on  antipodal sides of the canoe.

No man, he like told me where her hands were and I told her where my hand was and the next thing you know.

I tell Patrick I don’t want to hear it. Patrick tells me that he hasn’t stroked something so hard since he was playing Qbert on the old Atari joystick.

“Dude man, I think I’m fucking in love.”  Patrick says that he ,literally had to clean up the phone with a whole can of WD40 if you know what I mean. I tell him I don't. Patrick sighs.

“Pat you haven’t met her yet. Maybe it will be totally repelled by her.”

 

“Dude,” Pat tells me, “I’m in love with her soul.”