Waltzing through Windsor

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We are on our way to Windsor.  Vivian notes how it was quite tragic now wasn’t it, watching Windsor castle become engulf in a what she describes as a satanic plume of flames November last. We are exiting London for the afternoon. Josh still can’t go more than two abbreviated seconds sans swiping his palm across his brow and reminding fellow members of the Big Ten that we really need to buckle down and rehearse our skit since we still intrinsically haven’t a clue what we are doing. Jim Baker tells Josh to chillax and then knees him in the balls for an unsolicited Open Jewels. Sir Charles tells Jim to knock it off and tells Josh that we will be fine, that we are in England, that we are going to what will be one of our last major stops this morning, that tomorrow is our last day in England and after that we will no longer be here so don't worry about the skit just enjoy the experience.

Over the microphone Vivian is describing Windsor as having an upper and lower ward. The lanky wanna-be-Big Ten states that all the castles we have seen so far on this trip suck. He says that he was hoping they’d be more like Castle Grayskull with Drawbridges and stuff.  From a distance Windsor looks like a bunch of mini-castles constructed out of Legos. It is sprawling and contiguous. There are turrets and side windows and battlements. It is a massive mortar, a masonic-crenellated Bulwark. An emblem of regality.  The turrets and roundhouses appear to be sprouting from the earth in massive stalks. Vivian is apologizing. She is saying that we don't have much time. She mentions the Long Walk being used by the Queen during Ascot week  where the Queen is lead in a procession of horse-drawn carriages to a racetrack.Vivian tells us that most people don’t realize that Windsor is located on the far end of the Thames and that one of the best views of the castle you can glean is taking a motorboat from London.

Vivian asks us if any us remember driving past the Long Walk en route to Startford the first day and then says probably not since we all were a bit jetlagged, now weren’t we. Jim says Queen, Schmeeem. It is a beautiful spring afternoon, and doesn’t seem to be nearly as cool as if was the previous last couple of days. I remember when I first met Harmony on the dance floor all of five days ago and when I asked her what art of the trip she was most excited about seeing she stated Windsor and closed her eyes as if quoting a bible verse in a time of peril and need. Vivian notes that the Castle is the Queen’s personal weekend home. She asks is any of us in the bus happen to know by chance how one tells is the Queen is in residence?  Upon greeted with a sea of blank faces Vivian states that there is a flag that is raised when Queen visits Windsor and her estate in Scotland to let the populace know that she is in residency. The Flag is called the Royal Standard. Vivian goads everyone to watch for the Flag because that means that Royalty is surely only a few feet away.

As we pull into the castle Vivian states that we are going to have an abbreviated tour of the environs and then lunch since we are running just a tad late.

As I exit the bus I note that flag Vivian was describing to us is raised. I point. Vivian looks at me her eyes squinted in blush as if to say she is glad that at least someone is paying attention.

“Does that mean she is here?” A girl from Daisy’s group asks.

 

Yes, Vivian adds, keep your eyes open cause one never knows.

Vivian continues to make historical notes about the castle. I can’t stop looking at the walk.  The way it unfurls like a tongue from the mouth of the castle. 


Vivian states that it does make sense that the Queen is perhaps in residence since the Queen has a special day coming up.


"Does anyone know what that day may be?"


I raise my hand. I say her birthday like I am asking a question instead of giving an answer. Vivian says well done young man. I remember how I referenced the Queen's birthday in my Young Columbus speech three months ago. I remember because Queen Elizabeth shares the same birthday as my mom.


I still need to but my mom a souvenir.


I need to buy her a birthday gift from England.

                                                   
 We enter Windsor. 


We are forming groups for some reason it appears that only bus #1 is taking the tour before lunch. I think about what Mark said about this tour being a run-on grade school field trip. I wonder how Harmony enjoyed her terse dalliance with an overtly soused Lord Mayor of London. Vivian references two grassy quadrangles. For a second it feels as if she keeps mentioning Beaver when she references upper and lower wards. There is both a King's and Queen's dinning room. There is a King's dressing room leaving the door wide open for Baker to make one of his trademark's homoerotic jabs.  As we enter the Kings Dinning room Eagle Scout makes the suggestion that instead of going shopping  after lunch we should just work on the skit looking at his watch, stating that we only have six hours left to write, rehearse and perform.  While we were touring both Blenheim palace and Warwick castle the older groups appeared ahead of us the entire time  unfurling through monuments of antiquity the Big Ten served as the caboose.  Now for some reason it feels like it is only Bus one in the castle. Vivian is stating that we have to hurry because we just don't have much time. There is a giant Doll House that belonged to Queen Mary which is flat out huge. Several conspicuous paintings by Van Dyck, which, of course, is open ammunition for Jim. As is the King's Closet.

We are being rushed.



We are being hurried.

Vivian can't stop apologizing for the accelerated state of our tour. She is stating that certain vectors of the castle are roped off so we just need to see what we can for the time being and it's somewhat of a shame, now isn't it. Vivian has her Umbrella with her but because we are indoors has not opened it once. I wonder if Mark was ever able to assuage his ennui. I wonder if the Titans from Bus #4 think I am a pedantic prick for espousing political views hat the Waco raid violated the United States Constitution. I wonder if Vinny is getting arrested right now for video tapping something verboten. I think about Harmony. How this morning in  the lobby of the Gloucester was the first time that she seemed happy to see me. I wonder if she can smell the musk of English Leather I spritzed on her coat.

Though the brisk tour seems like we are perenially fast forwarding to a greater goal Vivian manages to discuss genealogy of the House of Windsor claiming that it was founded by HRM George Vth  from the German-Saxone house  during the first world war.

As we are escorted into the Garter room I think about Rita. I wonder how thins just might have been different had I not misplaced her number.



Jim can't seem to go two seconds without commenting that he is sick of all this gay shit. I am seriously beginning to wonder why it seems like the fellow Young Columbusians have evaporated. We continue to wend through the castle. There are dim-lit oils by Rembrandt and Reuben's  The Kings dining room has an overhead frescoes of the God's dining at Mount Olympus that is reminiscent of when Mark suggested that we ban the tables together last night on the cruise and eat as one.  The final room of the castle is the Grand Vestibule.  There is an armada of artillery. Swords used by Napoleon. A statues of Queen Victoria.  Vivian is saying hurry. She is looking down at her watch apologizing again.

We head out to one final port on our rushed-tour entering St. Georges chapel finally seeing several other groups headed in the direction of Ye Harte & Garter for lunch. The interior of St. George is gilded with a bastion of crests festooned saluting each side.  Vivian points out several fluted effigies containing the ashy-dregs of British monarchs. The general consensus of the group is that St. George Abby is nice but it is nothing compared to every other Abby accelerated into our psyche over the past  Vivian states that since the early part of the century the majority of monarchs are interred as what she alludes to as Frogmore although, such as Westminister is traditionally home to coronation ceremonies Frogmore  has been the traditional place of interment since the early part of this century.

"Of course funeral  services are often here, including perhaps the most controversial Wallis Simpson back in 86."

Vivian asks of us anyone can tell us about Wallis Simpson. I have no clue who Wallis Simpson is. The lanky wanna-be Big Ten garners unredeemable cool points when he befogs Vivian by stating isn't that Homer's first wife. There a re chuckles. Finally Dan, the future Rabbi states isn't she the one who is responsible for the abdication crisis.

Vivian says well done young man. She refers to Dan as a young man even though he is a responsible counselor who takes us running every morning. I want to get in the conversation.

I raise my hand.

"What is the abdication crisis."

Vivian is smiling. She states that the abdication crisis was when Edward VII chose to sacrifice the royal duties of the crown in order to marry Wallis Simpson, a twice divorced American socialite. She is making it sound romantic. She states that  because of his abdication his younger brother George VI inherited the crown and because of that, Queen Elizabeth is governing today."

There is a pause after Vivian's history lesson. Jim Baker of all people turns in my direction.

 

"You would give it all up wouldn't you Harry? You would give it all up for that hog you were dancing with last night."  Jim asks

 

I smile.

I think that I probably would.

As we are walking out Vivian motions us to take note of the Royal Standard again stating that it may be gone by the time we break free from lunch. Mike from the Big Ten asks Vivian if she has ever seen the Queen in person.

Vivian blushes and then looks down.

"I can't say I've ever been close to her majesty's proximity."

Vivian then sates that being in Windsor castle while the Queen is in her residence is perhaps the closest she has ever been to the Queen in her life.

The semi-nerdy girl who Kenny was dancing with last night is asking Vivian which room do you think the Queen is in right now.